Podiums to Parenthood: Racing Toward a New Finish Line
It is wild to think that at this time last year, I was toeing the line alongside some of the fastest women in the US for the Breck Epic - a race that I would ultimately go on to win. Coincidentally, the 2024 Breck Epic would also be my last race as a professional athlete (for now). What is wilder though, is that this August, instead of lining up for an endurance mountain bike race high in the mountains of Colorado, I am getting ready for the biggest endurance event of my life: becoming a mother. It’s hard to put into words and make complete sense of how I feel about both of those milestones just one short year apart from each other. I keep thinking back to my six year old niece who went tubing behind the boat for the first time with me recently. “I’m scared and excited,” she told me as we got on the tube together. I replied back, “that’s one of my favorite feelings in life.”
I knew I wanted to be a mom when I lined up for Breck Epic last year, and not long after Breck Epic I had my first positive pregnancy test. It didn’t stick, but a few months later while I was coaching at cyclocross nationals with the Lees McRae College cycling team I not only had many positive pregnancy tests, I could feel my body changing. At first, it was all excitement and I kept saying, “bring on all the symptoms because it means my body is doing what it should be doing.” Needless to say, that feeling wore off after a couple of months. Well into my first trimester, I was tired of feeling sick all the time, and slowly starting spiraling into a self-identity crisis.
My entire adulthood has been centered around bike racing, training, and travel. I found myself stuck on the couch most days barely able to motivate myself for anything other than a nap. Of course I was happy to be pregnant, but I don’t think I realized how hard it would be for me to make the switch from professional athlete to expecting mother.
Evelyn, my Juliana teammate and best friend, came to live with me for a few months over the winter and spring. At the same time, my husband, Sam, was training for Cocodona 250: a 250 mile running race in the mountains of Arizona. Evelyn would spend most days riding her bike for hours on end and Sam would be gone to the mountains running ALL DAY LONG. I tried not to be jealous as I sat on the couch binging tv shows and taking naps. I kept telling myself, “this is only temporary”, and that I would be back to myself soon enough. Then one day it really hit me and I realized that wasn’t true at all - my whole life was changing.
This moment maybe shouldn’t have come as such a shock to me. I had given pregnancy and motherhood a lot of thought before getting pregnant. I weighed the pros and cons and the sacrifices and lifestyle changes. I made sure that it wasn’t just my body wanting a baby, and I even made Sam and myself go to therapy together to make sure that we both wanted to have a kid and were ready for that in our lives.
But in that moment of pure panic, it was hard to not feel some remorse. Would I ever be able to have big days lost in the mountains on my bike or feet again? Would I be able to get my zoomies out or race my bike again? Would I have to become a different person to be a good mom? I called my mom in a full panic. “Mom, I think I’m too selfish to have a child. I’m 35. How did I think I could just be a different person now?”
After a lot of conversation and reflection, I stopped my spiral. What helped the most was hearing my mom tell me that motherhood was just going to be another new adventure for me and Sam to tackle, that she was so excited for me to be able to show our little girl the world. Luckily for me, she also reminded me that she will have a lot of free built-in babysitters so I can go get lost in the mountains from time to time (thank goodness for grandparents).
As I quickly approach my due date, I still battle with my self identity every once in a while. I feel stuck between really wishing I was racing my bike and able to do all the things I used to and the exciting unknown of what motherhood is going to bring. As my niece said, it is both scary and exciting, but I know it will be more exciting than scary when we finally meet our baby Opal.
